The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.