@TheBeerGuy73: The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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@david8hughes: [under heavy sniper fire] Platoon leader: where's that sniper fire coming from? Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
@werehedgehog: When your baby cries, don't feed it. That's just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
@iwearaonesie: "Don't put it on my plate if you don't want me to eat it!" - me to my kid, who's crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate