Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
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Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?