The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Mmmm. Shoeshi
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed