The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
dads on road-trips be like
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo