@TheGoodGodAbove: The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they're threatened at gunpoint
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@GrowlyGrego: Choose your own adventure: S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P Dad sees a soda? Moving a couch for dad? Obese girl with a vision problem?
@CaptOblivious1: I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes
@riscfuture: Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
@murrman5: [the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up] *looks at driving test instructor* "finally"