The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.