@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
felt that
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.