The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
You Might Also Like
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
This forever.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people