The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes