Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
they finally got him. they got macavity
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter: