@EliTerry: The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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@RobElliottComic: So everyone knows, it's frowned upon to yell "Hot potato" when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them
@envydatropic: Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they've had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
@iheartgunts: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
@MaraWilson: ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I'd be fine with that. DAD: So you're still single