The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Google Pay be like:
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
damn he’s good
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers