@pinupteacher: The "Ooooo" the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.
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@novicefather: [cuddling] her: what are you thinking about? me: these pretzels are making me thirsty
@Chumpstring: My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.