if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
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When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
🔦🌙👣
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.