The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.