A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
How all things should be taught/explained.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
estão todos miauvindo?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
This is true.