I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
You Might Also Like
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
lmao
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.