The opposite of Iceland is water water
You Might Also Like
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you