@StellaRtwot: Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he's happy you waved to him?

@SortaBad: Commercial for Twitter: "Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?"

@theshamingofjay: If you're religious you dont get to pick & choose "You shall not make for yourself an idol" That Disney sticker means you're going to hell

@okimstillhungry: I can't wait for thanksgiving. It's an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone's getting disowned.

@RickAaron: I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during "Ellen" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.