The options really are this bad
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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Is this a threat?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]