straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!