“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese