@Sassafrantz: The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter's 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.
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@ermahgarton: a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
@JeffSarcastic: [dinner negotiations] Wife: where do you want to go to eat? Me: ugh Wife: Me: you pick Wife: I'm craving kale Me: I'll pick
@coryrichardson_: me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD... a pretty huge d- her: Don't say it, im leaving [later] me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn't like dolphins