The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I get distracted pretty eas
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me trying to reach for my goals
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??