@ceejoyner: The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
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@WolfpackAlan: If I had a twin that was like 5 mins younger than me I would always say 'when I was your age' and proceed to tell them what I did 5 mins ago
@hammbone84: MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS AND I'M TERRIFIED OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS.
@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
@joe_binkley: Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don't even have shoulders Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage