The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
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Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]