The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
next level snooze
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
choose your fighter
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.