Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG