The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
You Might Also Like
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Imagine having a party on purpose.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever