The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
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Sunday
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Steam Forums
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.