The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.