A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
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I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.