The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Thank you corporation very cool
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.