My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue