on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
You Might Also Like
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.