The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
You Might Also Like
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave: