“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
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“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
New favorite tiktok
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Who’s your best friend?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
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“336Hours”
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