The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
can’t catch a break
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest