The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.