The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Europe. Made in Germany.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.