The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
File under excellent bookstore names.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.