i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Breakfast for Stoners:
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening