@david8hughes: The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, "Where is the water main?" so I turned on the tap & said, "Right here, main."
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@WilliamAder: I remember my first time at a mic. "Cleanup on aisle 5" & "Price check-Advil" were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
@handokotjung: How to be happier: 1. Exercise 2. Lift weight 3. When you've become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
@HomeProbably: I hate it when I'm by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
@thepunningman: Robocop: I am Robotcop Criminal: You don't say the t you robo moron R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres