The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.