The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all