The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
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HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
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angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
nature’s most graceful animal
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
#Caturday
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival