Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
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Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook