The police never think its as funny as you do.
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Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
also my go-to takeaway order
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
OH. COME. ON.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.