The police never think its as funny as you do.
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Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”