The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
so i’m at the stock market right
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work