The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
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Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.