Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
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I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”