The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
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*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
giddy up Office Depot
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party