The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
You Might Also Like
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.