@dumbbeezie: The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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@TheTimmyToes: [on the way to the hospital] GF: "let me get this straight. You thoug-" Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
@TommyKarate: Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I'm stuck in my restroom forever.
@ddsmidt: When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it's worse than being included on a group text.
@smint: In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.